The 3 Texts and Context

Within the parameters of marriage, respect and sex, there are 3 specific texts of Scripture that are mentioned regularly: 1) Ephesians 5:22-33, 2) 1 Peter 3:1-7, and 3) 1 Corinthians 7:1-5.¹ Each of these passages deals with particular issues within the context of marriage and if I am going to be consistent, only 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 deals with sex explicitly. Now implicitly Ephesians and 1 Peter say things about sex, but only because marriage carries within it the implicit reality of sex. So, throughout this article, I am aware that I am implicitly applying sex to the other texts in light of the parameters set by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. I will deal with what Paul says in 1 Corinthians and how that applies to Ephesians and 1 Peter after I have dealt with the first 2 texts.

I am dealing with these passages through the lens of a complementarian theology. Complementarianism suggests that the superior way of living out the dynamic life of a marriage is by recognizing the distinct roles that God has instilled in a man and woman. A man has been given, by God, the distinct role of leading, providing, protecting, securing, loving and sacrificially loving his wife and family. While the woman’s role (given to them by God) is to submit to their husbands leadership and be cooperative, nurturing, maintain the home, raise the children and lovingly serve their husband and family. These roles do not belittle either side of the marital relationship. The man is not greater in value, honor or dignity compared to the woman and vice versa. However, the distinct roles do create a hierarchy of roles. The man is to be the head of the wife and the wife is to submit to their head. The man is submissive to Christ’s leadership and not his wife’s. This, in my perspective, is the biblical model that preserves the value and dignity of both the man and the woman while demarcating the distinct roles within the relationship of marriage.

Ephesians 5:22-33

In this pericope, Paul is dealing with the issues of submission and love within the context of marriage. It is no surprise that the church in Paul’s day was dealing with the same kind of marital issues that the church still deals with today, namely, that men can act unlovingly toward their wives and women can act un-submissively toward their husbands. Paul begins the passage by addressing the women stating, “Wives, submit to your husbands…” The word ὑποτάσσω (submit) in verse 22 is being borrowed from verse 21 when Paul states, “Submitting to (ὑποτασσόμενοι) one another in the fear of Christ.” Paul, is addressing the issue of mutual submission in verse 21 in the church and then he transitions to the subject of marriage in verse 22. How does a man submit to his wife within his God-given role? How does a woman submit to her husband within her God-given role? To be clear, I do not mean to say that a man submits his leadership to his wife. However, there is a kind of submission that a man does do within the framework of marriage and I expound upon this a little latter. The woman however, does submit to her husband. ὑποτασσόμεναι (submitting) means to be subjected to or be put under the control of something. In this context, a woman is being put under the control of a man’s leadership.

Paul starts by addressing how a woman ought to submit herself. Paul writes “Women submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” The adverb ὡς (as) suggests that there is a similarity of relationship. How should a woman submit herself? In the same manner as (ὡς) to the Lord. How should a woman submit herself to the Lord? That question is rhetorical but necessitates clarity. Obviously, a woman should submit willingly and completely to the Lord because the Lord is good and righteous and just. Which means, that when her husband is leading her with goodness, righteousness and justice, then the wife should be willing and ready to completely submit herself to her husband. This indicates that a woman is not required to submit herself to the things her husbands asks of her if they are not good, righteous or just. The Lord would not ask a woman to do sinful things, neither should her husband. Nevertheless, the woman must submit to her husband as to the Lord, wisely discerning when her husband is leading her in goodness, righteousness and justice.

To further drive home this point of the wife’s submission, Paul continues writing, “Because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body.” Again, Paul uses ὡς (as) to suggest the similarity of relationship. The husband is the head of the wife in the same manner that Christ is the head of the church. We are not to confuse Paul’s last phrase “He is the Savior of the body,” to mean that just as Christ saved the body (the church), so the husbands saves his body (his wife). The similarity of relationship is only dealing with the role of submission and Paul clarifies why Christ is the head of the church. The reason Christ is the head of the church is because Christ displayed his goodness, righteousness and justice in his act of salvation. He laid down his life for his bride (the church). In the same manner (ὡς) the husband must display his goodness, righteousness and justice toward his wife by laying down his life for his wife. In this way, the husband mutually “submits” himself to his wife. Not that he submits his leadership to his wife, just as Christ does not submit his leadership to the church, rather he submits his life. Paul then concludes this portion of addressing the wives by stating, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything.” The word παντί (everything) does not have a limitation other than what I mentioned above (goodness, righteousness and justice). And since παντί is stated within the subject of marriage, then it implies everything within the role of a man’s leadership in marriage and everything having to do with marriage. This implies sex.

In verse 25, Paul turns his attention to the men, addressing their role in the marriage. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her…” Again, Paul uses καθώς (just as) to mark a similarity of relation. How should a man love his wife? In the same way that Christ loved the church. How did Christ love church? He gave himself for her. He laid down (submitted) his life for her salvation. In the same way (not the exact same way), men are to lay down their lives for their wives. This is how a man genuinely displays his love toward his wife. By humbling himself, leading her with gentleness, speaking to her kindly and willingly dying for her. This falls right in line with the role of a man being a leader, provider, securer, etc. Paul continues giving the example of Christ by stating the intended purpose of why Christ died in verse 26, “to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word.” Christ humbly died for his bride (the church) so that the church can be made holy (pure and flourishing) and he continues to do this by perpetually washing her with the water of the word. This indicates two methods of men laying down their lives. 1) When men lay down their lives, they are to do so with the intention of setting aside their wives as pure in their marriage so that she may flourish in their role as his wife. This is accomplished by 2) washing her with words. Not just words of love, affirmation, encouragement and kindness but with the word of God. Husbands are to lead their wives in the word of God. Teaching them, helping them see the Lord as supreme and pointing them continuously to the Lord who saved both of them. By doing this, a man is genuinely loving his wife just as Christ loves the church.

Paul extends Christ’s work in the church in verse 27 writing, “He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless.” Christ died so that the church would flourish, be made beautiful, pure, innocent, holy and without fault. Similarly, men are to treat their wives with such grace and respect, that they flourish as a woman. Men are responsible to ensure that they lead their wives well and that they create the kind of home environment where their wives have the opportunity to continue growing in grace, beauty, purity, innocence and holiness. This is why Paul states in verse 28, “In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” There is a direct correlation between a man’s flourishing and his wife’s flourishing. When you love your wife as you do your own body, that is, caring for her, nourishing her, providing for her, being kind to her, then you also love yourself. When a man takes his role in the home seriously, he tends to his wife so that she feels safe, provided for, secure, heard, understood and loved. This will result in the man’s flourishing and in the family’s flourishing. A man who beats his wife, talks down to her, belittles her, patronizes or condescends her opinions, will result in a dysfunctional home. In that environment everyone suffers. This responsibility falls entirely on the man and not the woman. Men, man up! Paul clearly warns against this type of toxic man and it will never result in the good of the family. Paul continues in verses 29-32,

For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church

This is why you got married to begin with. To bare the responsibility of a wife. Do not belittle that commitment by treating your wife as a second class person in your own home. You are one flesh! You are covenanted to be united forever. Whatever you do to your wife, you do to yourself. When you tear apart her soul, you tear apart your own. Paul is quite clear, all this is perfectly manifested in Christ’s love to the church. As men, look at what Christ does to the church and do that. He is the supreme example of the perfect husband. Men, you are to love your wife just as Christ loves his wife.

To conclude this section, Paul writes, “To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.” It is interesting that Paul chooses to use the word φοβῆται, which is more closely translated as fear or deep reverence, not respect. However, in light of the context, respect is probably the more appropriate English translation of the word. Still, it cannot be overlooked that Paul uses such a strong word to indicate the kind of attitude a woman should have when submitting to her husband. Women, submit to your husband with a deep reverence and respect for his position of leadership. Men, love your wives with a deep and passionate love just as Christ loves the church.

1 Peter 3:1-7

As we examine this text of Scripture, it is important to note the consistency of the subjects even though a different person is writing it. Paul wrote Ephesians but Peter wrote 1 Peter. Yet, they agree about the roles men and women should have and they even compliment each other in their views about these roles. Paul addresses women but seems to emphasize the role of the man. Peter addresses men but highly emphasizes the role of the woman.

Peter addresses the women first stating, “In the same way, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by the way their wives live when they observe your pure, reverent lives.” When Peter writes ὁμοίως (in the same way), this is in reference to the statements he made concerning submission to human authority (2:12-17) and slaves and masters (2:18-25). This phrase is not suggesting that wives are to submit to their husbands the way we submit to the government or the way slaves submit to masters. Rather, Peter is continuing the theme of submission and now applying the subject of submission to women in marriage.

Peter uses the same Greek word that Paul uses in Ephesians. However, instead of saying how a woman should submit, Peter immediately explains why a woman should submit. Women submit to the husbands, so that, if her husband is disobeying God’s word they will be won over to God’s word through their wife’s conduct. The goal of the wife is not to win the husband over to her desires, or her plans or her will, but to God’s word. God’s word takes precedence over the woman’s desires. Women, you want your husband following God’s word, not yours. How do you win them over to God’s word? Through your actions. But notice, Peter explains what your actions should be: wordless respect. That may sound like passivity, but God knows how men are. Men do not want to feel belittled, berated, nagged or bullied by their wives into following God’s word. It is your beauty, softness, grace and wordless respect that will actively convict your husband’s heart. In the moments where your husband is being disobedient, being combative will not win him over, it is your softness that will win him. Again, like Paul, Peter uses ἐν φόβῳ (in fear) to emphasize the kind of respect a woman should have for her husband when submitting to him. A wife is not to be afraid of their husband, but there should be a deep reverence for the role God has given him as the head of the house.

Peter continues to describe how a woman displays her softness and wordless respect. He writes, “Don’t let your beauty consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and wearing gold jewelry or fine clothes, but rather what is inside the heart—the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” Peter accentuates the importance of inner beauty over outer beauty. I do not think that Peter is saying that a woman cannot look beautiful on the outside. Nor do I think that he is condemning jewelry, nice clothing or having nice hair. Peter highlights what’s inside the heart of a woman. True inner beauty surpasses all outer beauty. Women, you can be the most beautiful person, with the nicest clothes and a perfect hair cut, but if you do not know how to interact with your husband in such a way that he is won over to God’s word, your beauty is meaningless. Focus on building your inner character. Learn how to become a woman of imperishable qualities. Grow in your ability to carry yourself as a women who is gentle and quiet in spirit. Quiet in spirit does not mean that you never use words, but rather your spirit is filled with such grace that everything you say and do results in your husbands peace and flourishing.

In verses 5-6 Peter uses women in the Old Testament to provide a meaningful example of how a woman should conduct themself. “For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God also adorned themselves in this way, submitting to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. You have become her children when you do what is good and do not fear any intimidation.” Godly women of the past carried themselves this way. They were not intimidated by men, or culture, or tradition. They knew that in order to win their husbands to God’s word, they needed to conduct themselves as cooperative, friendly, kind, submissive and gentle women. They did not win their husbands by griping, complaining, down talking, condescending or nagging them. Their hope was ultimately in God, so they chose to adorn their character with imperishable qualities because they understood the God’s will would ultimately be done. This is the kind of character women should be portraying within their role of marriage. I am not suggesting that you must call your husband “lord” or “master” the way Sarah did, because that is not culturally appropriate today. However, do you treat your husband like he is genuinely the leader of your home? Do you take his lead? Do you submit yourself to him? If you are of the faith then you are one of Sarah’s daughter. Look to her example and do what is good for your husband and yourself.

In verse 7, Peter turns his attention to men saying, “Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker partner, showing them honor as coheirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” Peter’s use of the phrase, in the same way, indicates that he is continuing his theme of submission. He is consistent with Paul as there is a mutual submission of the man and woman within their God-given roles. It is incumbent on men to seek their wives out, to study them and to take in their thoughts, ideas and opinions as their own. Not to the detriment of their leadership but to the detriment of their pride. Men should humble themselves, love their wives well and take their wives seriously. Peter uses the word γνῶσιν to describe the way in which we should live with our wives. γνῶσιν means to seek to know, to inquiry or investigate. This is more than just trying to understand your wife passively. This is more than just saying, “Ok honey, I get where you’re coming from.” This is an intentional act where a man seriously considers and weighs his wife’s thoughts and ideas as better than his own. This is an act where a man takes into deep meaningful consideration the feelings and well-being of his wife. If a man does not consider his wife in his leadership role he is not living with his wife in an understanding way.

Men, your wife is the weaker vessel. Physically she is weaker than you. She is biologically created by God to be smaller and more fragile. Treat her as such! She is a precious gift that must be cared for. You do not disregard the things you love, do not disregard your wife. Treat her as the daughter of God that she is and love her the way God expects you to love her. They are fellow heirs of the Kingdom of God, honor them as such. Your failure to live with your wife in understanding is to your own detriment and will cause your relationship with God to be weak. Peter says that if we do not take this responsibility seriously, our prayers will be hindered. God will not listen to you if you do not love your wife rightly. Therefore, men, love your wives and women respect your husbands.

1 Corinthians 7:1-4

Now that I have dealt with Ephesians and 1 Peter and how that relates to gender roles in the marriage, I will now start to come around to the reason this article is written. Is it disrespectful to withhold sex from your spouse? In order to have a final answer to this, we must examine what Paul says explicitly about sex in 1 Corinthians 7:1-5.

We know that Paul is dealing with sex in marriage because he begins this pericope with the topic of sexual relations and sexual immorality. “Now in response to the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because sexual immorality is so common, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman should have sexual relations with her own husband.” The immediate context of this passage indicates that Paul is writing this to combat sexual immorality in the church. Paul’s personal conviction is that he believes people should not engage in any kind of sexual activity whatsoever. Not that Paul is a prude or against sex, but from his perspective, being completely and utterly given to the will of the Lord is superior to marriage. This is why Paul qualifies his position on celibacy by saying in verse 6, “I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all people were as I am. But each has his own gift from God, one person has this gift, another has that.” So while Paul understood that celibacy and being given over to God completely in body was superior to marriage, he also wanted to ensure that sexual immorality was not running rampant in the church. So he begins chapter 7 by referencing the good of sex within the confines of marriage. Any sex practiced outside the parameters of marriage is sexual immorality.

Paul continues to explain the importance of combating sexual immorality by focusing on sex in marriage writing, “A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband.” Their is a mutual submission in the duty of sex. If we apply this mutual submission to the other text of Scriptures (Ephesians and 1 Peter), one could surmise that the way a wife respects her husband and the way a husband loves his wife is by taking seriously their duty to fulfill their sexual responsibilities. This is a willing act, an act of love and an act of respect. Why? Because each spouse understands that in order to help their spouse combat sexual immorality, they should be willing to fulfil the duty of sex.

This is counter-cultural. Modern sexual philosophers, psychologists and activists argue that each person is autonomous and has absolute right over their own bodies. Within the confines of the law and according to basic common sense, this is absolutely true. No human being has the right to ever force or physically transgress sexual boundaries. Any person who commits rape or who forces sex acts that transgresses another persons sexual boundaries or spouses comfort and safety should face full penalties from the law. What Paul is dealing with is not a disregard of those boundaries, but a mutual recognition that within marriage sex is a joy, a gift and a duty to help your spouse refrain from sexual sins. This does not mean that every marriage that has a healthy sex life will be void of sexual sins. Nor does it mean that it is the spouses fault if the other spouse chooses to engage in sexual immorality. Each person will give an account to God for their sexually immoral sins.

Paul is addressing the duty of sex within marriage. A man should be dutifully willing to have sex with his wife and a wife with her husband. This is why Paul states in verse 4, “A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does.” It is no coincidence that Paul follows verse 3 with verse 4. If each person is taking their duty seriously in satisfying the sexual needs of their spouse then it is not scandalous to conclude that a man’s body belongs to his wife or that a woman’s body belong to her husband. In fact, this is the very purpose of marriage; your bodies only belong to the other. If you are truly one flesh, then the man’s flesh belongs to his wife and the wife’s flesh belong to her husband. If each person is taking their role seriously in marriage then sex is just another blessing that results in the flourishing of their marriage.

Times of Refraining from Sex

So then, are there times when a man or a woman can say “no” to the sexual desires of their spouse? The only example that Paul gives us is in 1 Corinthians 7:5 is, “Do not deprive one another—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” It must be stated that this is an exception to the rule. Actively having sex should be the default position of any healthy marriage. Paul’s exception is clear and this exception should not be abused. 1) This exception must be agreed upon by both parties. If one person says, “I’m not having sex this week because I am praying,” and then cuts off the other spouse without their consent, that is unbiblical. Not only is the person mishandling the exception they are also unnecessarily putting their spouse in a place of sexual temptation. 2) The exception must be saturated in time of prayer. Think of sex in this exception like fasting from food. You will die if you do not eventually eat! I am not saying that your spouse will die if they do not have sex, but this is how sex in marriage should be treated. Sex is refreshing and exciting and incredible. Why would you want to deprive the person your love from enjoying you? Therefore, ensure that you have agreed and then use that time for meaningful prayer. 3) It must be limited. Do not let this exception go on prolonged. If you both agreed to stop having sex and pray, then both must be ready to come together whenever either party is ready. If you both agreed on a week, one party cannot say, “I’m going 1 more week,” unless it is agreed upon by the other spouse. God wants you to have sex and lots of it. Just as idle hands are the devils workshop, so a sexless marriage is the devils playground. Do not let Satan take control of your marriage through sexlessness.

There are other times when spouses can say no to sex. Usually this is when a woman is on her menstrual cycle. For obvious reasons, if a woman is on her period, sex is not an option for her. The extent to which a woman engages in sexual acts that do not make her feel uncomfortable is up to her and her husbands needs to live with her in understanding in those days of menstruation. There may be times when a spouse is sick, depressed or injured. Again for common sensible reasons, that spouse may not be up to the task. The other spouse should be gracious, loving and forgiving in those moments. Men should love their wives rightly and women should respect their husbands when those moments occur. Finally, it may be that a spouse is not sick, depressed, injured or menstruating, but they are just exhausted. In these moments, the spouse should be ready and willing to love and respect their spouse. However, this last scenario, in my opinion, should be a rare occurrence.

Unbiblical Times of Refraining from Sex

If a spouse uses sex as a weapon to punish their spouse, that is sin. Sex was not designed by God for that end. Sex was designed as a dutiful gift to one another and when it is weaponized you are using God’s gift in a disgraceful way. Any situation where sex is used to manipulate, punish, reward or hurt your spouse is a sin and must be repented of.

Prolonged deprivation is unbiblical. If a spouse simply denies sexual access to their spouse because they do not feel like it, it is sin. You are denying your spouse access to the body that belongs to them. This does not give the other spouse the right to have sex by force, NOT AT ALL! Far be it that you feel like you can force a sexual encounter with your spouse just because their body belongs to you. It must be mutually given and if one spouse refuses to engage for their own selfish reasons for prolonged periods of time, that person will have to face God sooner or later for their unbiblical behavior.

Is it disrespectful for a spouse to withhold sex from their partner?

So then we come to a conclusion of this topic and the answer may not be as clear as you would like it to be. As a man, I can see how a woman constantly denying sexual access to their husband can be seen as disrespectful. Many women may disagree that it is disrespectful. They may see it as unloving or making your husband feel unwanted, but that may come from the perspective of a woman. In order to try to understand how a man might feel disrespected, here is what a series of thoughts a man might reason through in his mind to come to that conclusion. 1) I am the head of my wife and she is to respect me as such and be submissive to me. 2) Since she is my wife and we are one, then her body does not belong to her, it belongs to me. 3) If her body belongs to me and I am the head of my wife then that means I should have sexual access to my wife when I desire it. 4) If she has no legitimate reason to deny me access (sickness, injury, depression, menstruation), then she is not being submissive to me. 5) Therefore, by denying me sex she is disrespecting me as her husband. (The same kind of logical progression can be followed by women.)²

If this logical progression is absolutely true, then yes, it would be easy to say that when a woman denies her husband sex for unbiblical reasons that she is disrespecting him. I am not fully convinced that this is necessarily the case but I can see how a man may feel this way. It may be that because a woman refuses to submit her body to her husband and denies him sexual access, leaving him sexually frustrated and having him linger in the temptation of Satan, that it can be called disrespectful. If a woman really loved her husband, respected him and cared about his sexual well-being and their marriage, then I cannot see how a woman could regularly deny the man she loves sexual access. I think it is sin, I think it is unloving and the other person is going to feel unappreciated and unwanted, but I am not convinced that I would call it disrespect. Nevertheless, sex is an important aspect of marriage. Sex is a biblically foundational part of marriage adjacent to understanding our roles as men and women in marriage. The ceremony of marriage is sealed by sex. Babies comes from sex. Love, trust, communication, joy, happiness, peace, and many other important components of marriage are heightened by sex. Married couples, have sex, have lots of sex! And if there is something else going on, reach out, talk to your pastor or your elders, get help, get counseling and seek the Lord together for the good of your marriage.

Footnotes

1. Every passage of Scripture throughout this article is from the Christian Standard Bible (CSB) translation. ↩︎
2. 1) I am the weaker vessel and my husband should lovingly serve me. 2) Since he is my husband and we are one, then his body does not belong to him, it belongs to me. 3) If his body belongs to me and he is to sacrificially love me, then that means I should have sexual access to my husband when I desire it. 4) If he he has no legitimate reason to deny me access, then he is not living with me in understanding. 5) Therefore, by denying me sex he is not loving me as Christ loved the church. ↩︎